H2H tribe

Dear beautiful world,

This letter is to the peoples we know and have known, to humans who are reading or will read this, to any beings out there who could need to see this at any point for any reason and to all the souls I love, have loved, will love and look forward to loving. Including to all parts of myself. 

We have written this to share today; six years on from a day that held so much hidden darkness, but that perhaps, now, can be a date that we also shed some more hope and light back into. We have written this for Hannah; for others living with pain they feel is unbearable; for those hiding the pain that feels unbearable and we have written it for us too – because our pain has felt unbearable and we kept it hidden for a very long time to be able to bear it. But now, I have been able to hear it; to find those parts of me and their pains, to feel joined with them again and begin to face it all – together with all the parts of my whole self. And this is what is making it more and more bearable. We have written this because we wish our sister could have shared what she needed to to help her stay alive and so we want to share something that helped us stay alive and is still helping us to stay alive. 

We have decided to share about something we have lived with and currently experience; something that can be described in lots of different ways, but ultimately refers to how people manage to survive the impacts of multiple complex traumas from an early age by dissociating; by splitting off and disconnecting from their bodies, including their minds. Although always beautiful and full of Love, this world seems an increasingly traumatic place to exist in right now and we need people who can share their experiences of navigating life with complex trauma and dissociation to find ways to safely speak out. When we personally have seen and heard others doing this, we have benefited so powerfully from the healing that comes out of that kind of connection, belonging, reassurance and sensing more presence of others and ourselves within a stronger whole – internally within our inner world and externally in the outside community. I believe traumatic dissociation impacts individuals, but also us as groups of people, and we believe it could help heal many peoples, communities, institutions, systems and actually help save our planet, if more people with lived experience of complex trauma and dissociation could find safe spaces and support to speak out and be heard. 

Having seen and experienced ourselves, the beauty and healing power within what is currently most often referred to as the D.I.D community, (or those living with multiplicity through traumatic experiences), it is now our turn to speak out and to be heard. To join that community openly and be part of something we know to be a growing and incredibly connected, kind and loving space. A space for those who are so often already in so much pain and have then continued to be hurt, rejected, re-traumatised, misunderstood, mistreated and harmed over and over by systems and people. Let’s change that. Let’s share about our dissociative experiences and what it’s like to live with and heal from traumas; so that we can hope that ultimately less humans and systems of humans, (internal and external), will be overwhelmed by and stuck living within a world of trauma. Surely we all need this? Individually, as families, as communities, as societies, globally, as humans and as a planet? Whatever traumas we have experienced, surely we all need to understand how it has impacted us and how we can live best with what scars it’s left inside us? 

The scars that my own traumas have left inside of us, have resulted in this one body holding so much stored up traumatic energy that it has used it’s mind space to create an internal world where multiple complex traumatised parts exist together. Those parts were very disconnected, split off from each others needs and experiences, so they were conflicted and they were all suffering; sometimes they still are – a lot. But by acknowledging them all, not rejecting or ignoring or dismissing or being unkind to any of them, we are coming together and we are finding better ways to stay alive and to hopefully stay alive well. For all parts to be the best versions of themselves, so we can be the best us and look after each other and our one body together, and also help to look after this one, precious, world that we live in. 

It feels a really important time, and the right time, for us to write and share this letter. To open up and say that we currently live with what is known to some as D.I.D and we are healing together as a system of multiple parts/selves inside one body. An inner tribe of us; all trying to find a way to exist best and as cooperatively as possible so that we can all survive and thrive inside the one person that you can see on the outside, if you will. Perhaps some people will relate easily to this idea and others will find it entirely baffling, scary, unhelpful or ridiculous. But for us, it is real and it is healing and it is our truth. A truth we now want to share, despite (and actually because of) all the fear and shame that comes with sharing it. 

This experience that we are describing can be known as a diagnosable mental health condition called D.I.D, which stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder and is the language used most widely at the moment for those of us in this community. Diagnosis, terms like ‘disorder’ and the current models we have in the UK are things we feel a lot of mixed feelings about and a diagnosis of D.I.D will probably always be something that we hold and explore carefully and lightly, with curiosity and not cling to tightly with complete conviction – but this is not something to be discussed at length in this letter. Whatever the pros and cons of those things, this is important to us. More on our own experience of living with dissociative parts to follow – but language is complex and sometimes it fails us or falls short, yet it’s also really important. So perhaps bare with us, if you can, as we try to put some more language to something very complex, beautiful, mysterious and probably beyond language – like a lot of important things in life.

Languages, stories and voices are not all we have, but they are a huge part of existing in this collected shared human experience that we call life. And it all matters – this life, you, your story, our voices. Sometimes it can feel like it isn’t important or we don’t really matter, but also: it is and we do. So we must keep trying to find the languages we all need that can help us to tell, transform and own our stories; to use our voices in the best ways we can, when we can. Along with a lot of other amazing stuff; language, words, stories, memories, voices and sharing it all within community – this is what helps to heal us. That is why I’m here, offering out some words we want to share that we think could help heal us and maybe even, we dare to hope, help heal others too.

Hannah, my little sister, died by suicide when she was 22. She left a very small note on the night she took her life, six years ago today. Those are the last words we have from her and they have mattered and do matter a great deal, in many ways. The few words she left that night have felt haunting, harrowing, hard to accept and harmful; they have ripped me apart. But, they have also held parts of us together; they hurt me so very much, yet they have grown to be words that heal, that can give such comfort and inspiration and now, mostly, they just remind us of Love. 

All that has come since that night six years ago, and her words in that note, have been, and continue to be, a very hard burden to bear and carry. But Hannah’s suicide was and is a trauma we don’t carry in isolation. Like with all the people and stories I’ve been so pained and privileged to hear from those bereaved by suicide, it seems pretty much always to be far more complex than one trauma and is always connected to a whole load of other trauma that went before and that comes after. (This is true for my own inner selves and their different stories of losing our sister too – because all parts of us went through it and we all grieve in our own way – and it is true of the stories of so many others we have met too). 

We’ve learnt a lot in the last six years, as you seem to with trauma, whether you like it or fight it or not. And one thing we’ve learnt is that people going through the catastrophic, life shattering trauma of a loved one’s suicide are usually already living with multiple complex traumas. The suicide and subsequent bereavement is then added on top of an already often very complex and traumatic life story and set of circumstances. This then continues to become more traumatic as they navigate the world with yet another trauma. More often than not, they then go on to encounter further traumas as a result of being complexly traumatised and living in a traumatised world. They were suffering from complex traumas before and then they are bereaved by suicide and cannot get the help they need. This story is one I’ve heard way too much. And I/we are no different. And we wish more than anything Hannah was still here, but we also wish that this story was one we heard less and less, not more and more. And we believe that things being heard and not hidden is part of the way those stories will become less and less. And perhaps some things being heard and not hidden is also part of our own story not ending in suicide and part of making sure there are some more lives that will not end in suicide. 

It is thought that around 70% of those living with D.I.D attempt suicide at least once. The community of survivors of complex trauma and dissociation are a community hugely impacted by and at risk of suicide. I believe that suicide is often the most extreme, but understandable, response to trying to live with all kinds of trauma. Suicide ideation, suicidal feelings and suicide attempts are sadly something we have lived with and do live with, as do many others in this community too. Parts of a mind that have learnt to cope by thinking about, planning for and fantasising about suicide/death need help, healing and hearing too. D.I.D awareness is also suicide prevention. We have come to know that the DID community is growing and strengthening, and that it is a beautiful, wonderful, incredibly strong community and the world needs MORE of that community, not less. So here we are.

For us, this is a way to frame our experiences, past and present, which is bringing more understanding and more healing as we navigate our journey in this life. We have one body, you see one person, but what we believe is that what you don’t see isn’t necessarily not real or unimportant in life. What you don’t understand and don’t see – the unknown, the unseen – can actually be wildly magnificent. In order to best cope with what was too much for one mind to cope with, our mind became a mind of multiple parts. These parts, like everyone in the world, are brilliantly unique and also struggle in their own ways and are all ultimately just in need of as much acceptance, understanding and love as possible. This shared mind space is full of wonderful, wild, hard-working and loving team members, who just need to remember how to help each other in the best ways they can and have maybe forgotten or forget because they have been hurt and they are hurting, a lot. 

You might have lots of questions for us, especially if you know me or have known me. That’s ok – questions are good. Ask them if you’d like to and if we can find a way to answer them and we want to, we will. You might wonder lots of things or be confused or scared or worried or disagree with things – that’s ok too. Everyone living with dissociative parts or D.I.D is unique and fluid, so like all communities, some things resonate with us and other things don’t. It’s important to say that if you’re reading this you might relate to some things we’re saying and in other ways it won’t capture your unique experience. But we know for us; the D.I.D community is one place that we belong. All those incredibly brave souls out there who live with dissociative parts and are survivors of complex trauma – that’s a tribe we’re part of. And, although in ways it’s a hard tribe to have found ourselves belonging to for lots of reasons, we’re proud and grateful for who we’re finding there. 

There are many resources and other peoples out there who are working very hard to explain, to shed more light, to share various explanations and experiences of D.I.D, complex trauma with dissociation, living with dissociative parts and multiplicity or plurality. We believe the most helpful peoples doing this are those with their own lived experience; often unpaid and going unheard and still struggling, usually with very little support, to heal themselves too. We are so deeply grateful to them and to have discovered a framework (known most widely as D.I.D) that is working for us and that has given us a language and a community that is truly bringing us together and giving all parts of me more and more hope and healing in ways we never felt were possible before.

Like with everything in life with D.I.D, there has been much, much consideration, conflict, caution and chaos about taking this step. There has been much debate internally between us all about whether to take this step, how to take this step, the best way to take this step. . . Do steps even matter? Are steps a real thing? Do we even take our own steps anyway? What’s the point of taking this step? Why to take this step, why not to take this step, what about a different step.. that other step over there remember..? Who to take this step with, what will happen if we take this step? And back again to .. should we take this step? (Welcome to life with D.I.D!!) But like every step, it’s just one more step in a big, long, winding, spiralling road of stepping. And once it’s done, then it’s done and it’s just onto the next step really. 

But today we want to take this step. So we will.
(And then we’ll be quiet. But probably knowing us, not for long.. and just about steps, because the word now sounds weird, doesn’t it?!). 

We are on a journey of trying to learn how to live with a lot of fear and a lot of shame, and we want to live with it differently. We want to be able to live with it, but not be ruled by it and not have fear and shame keeping us silent and hidden away. We’re done with that life. Now we have space for other things too and we can hold our fear and shame differently. This letter is us doing that. It’s one step, we’ll need to keep taking lots more together. But it’s a big step in changing our internal relationships and our relationship to fear and shame. 

There’s a lot of fear in the world and there’s definitely a lot of fear for us with this step. But another thing we’ve learnt in the last six years is that with really big Love, we can hold even the biggest of fears. And we take this step with so much Love we feel inside us for others; with so much Love that we are now starting to feel more and more from around us and with us; and really importantly, we take this step with the most Love we’ve ever had for ourself. We have such gratitude for the fact that the seeds of Love are growing; within the soils of fear and shame we are composting a place for new roots, new shoots and new fruits. Roots of more connection, shoots of more openness and fruits of more compassion.

The things we have feared and fear about taking this step are many and they make sense because we’ve lost a lot and might lose some more. But if there’s one thing we do know, it’s how to find a way through loss. Loss and fear are universal and the things we fear will be things most people will have felt too. We fear people will not believe us, not care or be interested. We fear we will be misunderstood, dismissed and feel rejected. We fear people that we love and care about will become scared of us or change their feelings, thoughts and behaviour towards us. We fear others will think we are dramatic or attention seeking, think we are mad or lying, not trust us or turn towards us anymore. We fear people may not want to know or be close to us, or be in our lives. We fear people could think that we are broken, damaged, useless and not someone valuable or helpful or positive in the world or their lives. We fear we will no longer be included, accepted, helped or wanted. We fear people will think we are making it all about ourself, that we are self-pitying and that they will be disappointed in us. Like most humans, naturally, we fear people will leave us and we will be alone. But we also know and try to remember that really – we will never be alone.

In her last words to me, Hannah told me to be strong. And I have always believed and still believe that she was strong; far stronger than she realised or could see or stayed long enough to learn that she was. We have always felt and known that within her there were still parts of her that wanted to live but didn’t know how to and now Hannah is no longer here. But I still am; all parts of us, we are still here. And we are learning that we are stronger than we realise and we are definitely – stronger together. Be that stronger together by being more connected with others outside of our mind, (when we need help and support from those around us), or be that stronger together by being more connected within and inside our own mind. So we hope by doing this we can show that there are so many things that can be stronger than fear. 

After she died, I wanted to find ways to keep ALL of Hannah alive. The light and the darkness. To not hide her suicide and the trickier stuff; to be open in order to help with awareness, but also to not hide that she was just absolutely incredible. She had a totally brilliant and crazy sense of humour, she was witty, massively intelligent, super hard working,  hilarious, successful, very silly, playful, uniquely kind, helpful, creative, thoughtful, curious, determined, generous, inquisitive, brave, daring, active, strong and loving. Peoples can be made up of many parts and I don’t know if Hannah had D.I.D or experienced dissociative parts as we do, but I do know that she was very, very loved. We will never hide our love for her and how loved she was and is. And we will keep doing that. But now, also, it’s important to us that we don’t hide ALL of me/us too. And that we take this step in the hope and trust that, we are also loved too. In the hope and trust that in our world, and the world all over, we remember that Love is bigger than all the darkness and all the fears; that Love wins and that Love is what lives on. In the hope that people will not only know and remember the painful complicated difficult bits of Hannah, of me, of us, of nature, of this life and world, but will celebrate that all together we are all still full of strength, beauty, courage, potential, light, power, vastness, magic, mystery and humour. And very full of Love. 

I’ve always tried to promote a #hidden2heard attitude since Hannah died, because I believe that’s so key in the prevention of suicide and this step is to show that – we are alive. We have battled so hard to stay alive this last six years and actually for much, much longer than that; sadly from very early on in our life it has felt like we have had to and have to work very hard to stay alive and prevent our own death. For many reasons, we are not going to speak here in this letter about the kinds of traumas Hannah and I grew up with and the complex abuse and neglect in our home and childhoods. Although naming and speaking about these things is also incredibly important for healing, reducing stigma, shame and fear, and trying to prevent these kinds of traumas in the world, and so we may do so more at another time.

For now, lastly; Hannah – I was and am so proud and so lucky to have been and be your big sis. We love you so much and we always will and we hope you are proud of us and will still love us too. We wish you hadn’t ended our conversation and relationship in this life so soon. We will always wish that, no matter how many years pass or how much healing we do. We wish the last words weren’t your note and we wish we could have listened, been there and responded. But these are the words we have found now, this is our note and a response today to any kind of pain that is unseen and stuck in the darkness desperately needing the light.

This is not a suicide note: this is a staying-alive story.

This is hope.

This is a #heart2heart

– from our heart to your heart.

This is our #hidden2heard.

This is for you Hannah, for me, for us and for the world:

I love you too. If you are anywhere reading this, please don’t leave. Sometimes the world can be such a dark, horrid place to be for so many people. But use anything you can or you need to which might help you stay alive right now; including all parts of yourself and anyone or anything else you can find. There is always someone or something in the world inside of you, or the world outside of you, that does want to help you to keep living. If we come together, inside ourselves and with others, we can find a way to realise that we are already stronger than we even know and that strength isn’t always what it seems. I am so sorry that it is hurting in such a big way right now, we hurt with you too, but maybe we won’t soon. Still and always – a sister xxxx

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Thank you to anyone who has read this.

With all the Love we have, from our heart to yours,

– J x

  and the

 H2H tribe